Movie(s) Review-Beer League-Salvage-Equilibrium-Ritual-Tales from the Crypt


Review-Echo Bridge sent me some titles that I have to admit I have seen so long ago; that I felt this was the time to re-visit them. Let’s start off with the lighter fare; Artie Lange’s Beer League is a film that was rumored to have Howard Stern’s financial backing to be a selling point. In all fairness Beer League is not as bad as I thought it would be. Artie has made a name for himself in the past on Mad TV before going in the place of Jackie Marling on Howard Stern’s radio show. Now, to start this off I have never listened to Stern in my life, since I did college radio and had experience on air, I hated listening to radio since. In terms of just radio in general, I view even someone like Howard to be an act, not a human being himself but an act to drum up people who will buy into it. Beer League is Artie Lange being the lovable slushes who leads a team of slackers and underdogs to play the archrivals in a game where the loser has to find another town to play in. They have a few plots thrown together half-heartedly like a player who is getting married which leads to a bachelor party full of boobs. This film tries to play on what listeners expect from the Howard Stern guy, the references to sexual diseases, the coldness of jokes about retardation and women naked. I will not say I did not laugh at a few scenes, but if you have the Karate Kid in your film and he is not doing a take on Karate it is just a wasted geek out moment. All in all, this film is juvenile, vile and just tries too hard to be offensive which I felt were the films stronger points.

7 out of 10


Review-Salvage is an interesting film. I remember when I first watched this and thought Lauren Currie Lewis was going to be a star. She looked like a Crush-era Alicia Silverstone and had that personality that just made you pay attention. This film is a tease in the sense that there are so many baths and showers in this film, but little to no skin and no nudity. This is a low-budget DTV film that if anything else will keep your attention just for the uncertainty it provides. Lewis plays Claire who is a store clerk who gets picked up from work one day by a guy who claims to work at the salvage yard her boyfriend works. Well, things get weird when the guy breaks into her house and kills her. Only thing is, that this does not happen, it was all a nightmare. This film revolves around her being pursued by this guy over and over, which even bends itself to tell us that this may not be real and she may be imagining all of it.
This film could be seen as Twilight Zone in the Freddy Kruger age. I did not like the twist that the film gives us, I felt it was lazy and that people were under some kind of false hope that a crowd could buy into it. This film has one selling point and it is Lewis and her appeal. The story gets repetitive and towards the end loses steam and gets very boring, but I am just shocked that Lewis did not go on to bigger and better things. That is the real crime of this film.

5 out of 10


Review-Equilibrium, Dark City and The Matrix to me are films that signaled a new age for cinema. An age that said you no longer had to life and borrow ideas, but make your own and let the others make borrow from you later on. On the surface this film looks like a mindless rip off of the Matrix. Which this film is smart and may seem that way on the surface but once you dive into this film you will find something altogether different. This film deals with totalitarian systems, dictatorships and the fear of the citizens who have minds of their own. This film is set to this century and at a time right after our Third World War. This war it is said was caused by the people, when the humans had emotions and felt too deeply and much about things. They got all emotional and deeply involved, which made them worked up and they started killing each other with bombs. This is no longer going to be the case, enter a drug called Prozium which will ensure the world peace and survival of the human race. The drug kills your emotions, and shuts down sensitivity. (or as I call it crack) Enforcers known as Clerics have the orders to kill anyone who is considered a sense offender. Christian Bale and Sean Bean both star as Clerics, the film takes a twist when Bale’s wife is incinerated for sense offensives. As you can guess Bale is trying to understand more about sense offensives so much so he has a book he keeps by a noted offender. As you can guess, he comes into contact with Mary who gives him feelings and he stops taking the drug. The kicker is that he loves his job, but now he is on the fence. I like this film a lot, so much so that I wish someone who really invest more money into a better print and give us a really great version of the blu ray. I would love a updated commentary and some new features, this film is such a treasure and I will put it as a career defining role for Bale. The fight scenes are beautifully shot and so kinetic, that you really get sucked into it. The story and characters were really well done. All in all, this film is very great.

8.5 out of 10


Review-I loved when Tales from the Crypt put out Demon Knight. I was a huge fan of that film and still am. (Talk about a film that needs a huge blu ray release) I will go on record to say when I saw Bordello of Blood, the next film Crypt did, I was not that big a fan but I still liked it. In 2002, they gave us the Ritual film which unless you blinked you missed the release of it. Dimension who at the time were trying to get more serious about horror films since Scream worked so good for them, took over the rights and wanted to remove all references to what we enjoyed about Tales from the Crypt, but decided to keep the words in the title for money. This film like most of Dimensions smaller horror films like Cursed, sat on the shelf for years before it was released. In recent years and this blu ray, they have the Crypt Keeper intro back in it. The plot Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing plays a disgraced doctor named Baby that someone put in the corner. I am joking, but if they went that route it would be so much better well she travels to the Caribbean to take a job as a caretaker for a young man suffering from disease. Well the locals have believed that they think her patient is dead and is a zombie and want to know what cursed him. Unlike the other two Tales films, this has no personality, no humor and is just not a really fun horror film. The cast with Craig Sheffer, Tim Curry and Grey just seem like an odd pairing of personalities. You have Sheffer who people have been expecting for so long to take off, and the other two who just takes any roles. This film is so long winded and goes far too long; it should have been trimmed down 20 minutes or so to be more effective. All in all, this is a letdown. Not a good film at all.

2 out of 10