VHS Review: Vampyres


The 1970’s delivered an slew of soft core lesbian vampire porn. Vampyres pales in comparison to Erotikill, also known as Female Vampire, and Fascination. Now some may not consider Fascination to be a ‘vampire’ theme but I do. Vampyres has been critically acclaimed by the majority of horror fans. I can see how it would be for male viewers considering the subject matter is complete with busty naked lesbians in action while drenched in blood. What’s not to like? Overall, it’s not a horrible film but I wouldn’t call it a favorite of mine.

Notice the Magnum VHS box containing the bold red font on the lower left corner, much like the font from “The Lost Boys” only this says, “They’re Lost Girls.” I don’t know if this was a failed attempt to lure Lost Boys fans to this lesser effort or not. The two are completely different films.

The film opens with an adorable, naked lesbian couple shot to death. Now who would want to shoot a couple of friendly lesbians? In the end, this is explained….. Sort of. It tends to confuse the viewers. After that shoddy opening we meet a happy couple that appears to be camping near a mysterious castle. This is the same castle featured in numerous Hammer Horror films and Rocky Horror Picture Show. It seemed like an odd spot to camp but maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention to the storyline. The girl, Harriet, often worries about the unusual behavior taking place inside those peculiar walls as she sees two cloaked females running out of the castle every morning. Harriet also sees a palm thrust against their window one windy night but her man friend is determined to keep her in check and convince her that it was all a dream.

The next evening we meet an ugly Ted picking up one of these strange cloaked women, claiming to need a ride to her home. Ted not only brings this lady vampire named Fran home but he steps inside for a tour. Fran is all, “I know we just met and everything but lets have some wine and some sex.” Ted is all, “You’re the hottest chick I ever met. Okay!” I know this isn’t the actual script but it’s how it played out in my mind. What a bunch of nonsense. Who has coitus with a complete stranger after only twenty minutes of meeting them? Their make-out second was very gross and awkward. Honestly, how wide do you have to open your mouth? Alright, now I am just nitpicking. After the ‘session’ the two go to sleep. Ted awakes and sees a disturbing, wide-eyed Fran sleeping as he waves his hand over her face. The next morning he wakes with an absent Fran and a huge gash in the middle of his arm. He seeks help from the campers then idiotically decides to go back to the castle for answers. How is this dude not hungry? He goes three days without eating but swallows down glass after glass of Fran’s wine in between the sex. We are also further introduced the the blonde Miriam, Fran’s vampire lover who has also been luring men into the castle. Fran seemingly has feelings for Ted because she doesn’t kill him like she does the other victims. Some of these bodies are stored in the tunnels below or a car accident is staged. This is what bothers me. These bodies would have bite marks and stab wounds. The police never seem to question this.

So what do we know about these vampires?

1. Bullets can kill them.

2. They’re afraid of sunlight, sleep underground during the day, yet they are clearly seen running around during the day.

3. Absent fangs.

4. No reflection. Their mirrors seemed to be covered.

5. They’re sloppy.

I have always been a fan of Joseph Larraz. A lot of his films are hard to come by, especially on VHS. Violation of the Bitch being some of his best work. Vampyres was heavily cut because the censors refused to allow the girls to french kiss or show their pubic hair. Not to worry, you can find uncut versions of the film now. Is it scary? Not in the least but expect creepy vibes and an eerie atmosphere with beautiful landscapes. The editing was a little choppy but the acting was spot on. If you’re a fan of gratuitous nudity, lesbians, and vampires then this is clearly the film for you.