VHS Review: The Clown Murders

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After this agonizing feeling washed over me, I realized I had been gypped. What the hell just happened? The Clown Murders looks pretty on the outside but the contents lying inside this VHS box aren’t so pretty. It’s basically false advertising. I even performed my happy dance after finding this supposed ‘gem.’ YOU LIED TO ME!

What we have here is a slow paced melodrama with a few thrills here and there and a creepy clown mask. The murders aren’t even carried out until the last twenty minutes of the film which left a bitter taste in my mouth…. Or maybe it was the stale popcorn and flat Fresca.

A group of wealthy professionals learn that their ‘friend’  Phillip is going to tear down a farm so he can build some apartments right on top of it. The farm’s henchmen aren’t too happy about this arrangement but who cares what they think? One of them seems to enjoy cutting the heads off of chickens for shits and giggles. Among this group of college pals are Charlie, Peter, Ollie, and Rosie. That’s right. Rosie is a real man’s name.

With Halloween approaching, the gang of professionals devise a plan to kidnap Phillip’s wife Allison, who is a whore. I say that with a hundred percent certainty after she has slept with the entire gang and almost married Charlie. Even John Candy gets some. The guys seem to think that if they kidnap Allison, Philip will not be able to close the deal on the farm. What started out to be a prank, doesn’t have a smooth following.

Several BORING minutes later, the group is in hiding with Allison after hearing that the police have gotten involved. Tensions arise. They all begin to turn on each other and a mysterious masked killer is lurking around with a shotgun and an ax. So who could it be? Allison’s husband could have overheard the prank the night before. Ollie (John Candy) might have had enough of the fat jokes and grown enough balls to do something about it. Rosie, who is a sexually aggressive prick to everyone, is an easy target. There’s always Charlie who obviously still has feelings for Allison. Then there’s Peter who seems to have secrets of his own. Lets not discount the two henchmen that like to cut off the heads of helpless chickens. Everyone is a suspect!

I will give The Clown Murders props for its vast character development. Maybe more energy should have been focused on the weak plot and lack of action. I did enjoy the gritty film-making and POV shots provided by Martyn Burke but lets face it, this one is a dud and not worth my time for a repeat.

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