Your Friendly VHS Vixen Brings You a Batch of Killer Machines


It’s amazing how many people out there think Maximum Overdrive is a horrible film and even Stephen King regrets directing it himself, based on his short story “Trucks.” I just don’t get it. Maximum Overdrive is pretty wicked. Trucks, cars, helicopters, toasters, lawn mowers, steam trucks, and every other machinery and appliance known to man are killing human beings while Emilio Estevez, with pierced ears, is there to save the day. There’s even a kick ass soundtrack by ACDC. It doesn’t get any better than this folks. Gorehounds will also be pleased with so many delightful and fun deaths, I honestly lost count. Here’s a list of my favorites:

*Death By Soda Machine – A baseball team full of young boys is massacred by flying sodas. The coach REALLY gets it!

*Death By Steam Roller – Following the flying sodas, a young boy is run over by a random steam roller. Parts of this was actually cut out because the censors thought it was too gruesome.

*Death By Lawn Mower

I wouldn’t say Maximum Overdrive is scary now but it scared me when I was younger. Especially, that fucking ice cream truck. I’ll never forget watching it TNT Saturday night, hosted by Joe Bob Briggs. God, I miss that. Those were the days.

There are several annoying characters in the film, like most horror films. Curt and Connie have to top them all. I find myself annoyed by Yeardly Smith (Connie) in just about anything. Perhaps that’s why I never enjoyed The Simpsons. She’s constantly screaming, “CURTIS!” Like nails on a chalk board. Then there’s Wanda, the waitress who is finally killed for being stupid. That’s what you get for annoyingly screaming, “WE MADE YOU!” to all the 18 wheelers. You deserve to die. Earlier in the film, her arm is cut by the turkey carver and she delivers one of the worst lines in the film, “Well, this thing was working fine just a few minutes ago, and now I can’t get peep turkey off this thing!” The owner of this establishment, Hendershot, actually plays the Commissioner in Burton’s Batman films. This guy is a real prick who loves to yell at Emilio. Last, we have the perverted bible salesman that just needs a little TLC from the sort of hot hitchhiker who hooks up with Emilio after hours of their meeting.

Stephen King decided that his work was ruined when someone else directed his work. In return, people call it his worst film but I have to disagree. You’re int he wrong place if you’re looking for a good quality horror film but if you’re looking for a fun, ridiculous, campy b-movie to watch with a group of friends, you’ve come to the right place. You will find yourself entertained and amused at the same time which is a good combination. Especially, for parties. This movie is pretty awesome. Where else are you going to see a kid killed by a bulldozer and a coach and several children killed by flying coca cola cans????

And I was like, “EMILIO!”



To my surprise, I had never seen or even heard of the film Hardware until recently. It’s rare that there’s actually a film I have never heard of, horror especially. I don’t know if that’s something to be proud of or not but that’s just how it is. You could say that Hardware is the red-headed step-child of The Terminator and the reason you never heard of it is because it faded into obscurity after the MPAA tried to slap on an NC-17 rating before cutting several minutes out of the film.

Hardware takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where a marine named Moses buys parts of a robot titled M.A.R.K.13, an exceptionally intelligent robot built by the government that’s virtually indestructible and can put itself back together. Moses gives this find to his girlfriend, Jill, so she could add it to her scrap sculpture. Soon the cyborg puts itself together and Jill is it’s main target.

Most of the film takes place in Jill’s apartment. It’s actually an underrated film, in my honest opinion. However, I cannot help but feel something is missing from the picture. Maybe it’s the lack of story. Some may say that it pales in comparison to The Terminator. That may be true but Hardware provides us with the goods that The Terminator is missing. For instance, a really HOT sex scene between the two main characters Dylan McDermott and a red-headed Stacy Travis. Then there’s the bad ass soundtrack. With music from Motorhead, Iggy Pop, Public Image LTD, and Ministry. The visuals are astonishing. Just sit back and enjoy all the pretty colors. Gore fans will be pleased with the amount of blood shed. I may be cutting this review short but stick around because I plan on posting a review for the Blu-Ray.


What’s better than a bizarre David Cronenberg film starring James Woods and Blondie that centers around a snuff reality show infecting its viewers with a virus that results in some sort of strange, vagina like opening in your stomach where you can slip VHS tapes into? The answer is, NOTHING. Sex. Violence. Gore. What more could you ask for?

It’s hard to tell what’s reality and what’s not. It’s a bit like Sam Neil’s continuous, “This is reality….. This is NOT reality” rant from In the Mouth of Madness. Rick Baker’s special effects are glorious. David Cronenberg’s vision typically makes a lasting imprint on your brain. Howard Shore provides a haunting score to accompany the chilling atmosphere that will leave you with feelings of confusion and despair but you will also be asking yourself, “What the fuck did I just watch?”

Long live the flesh!


I know what you’re thinking, “This chick only reviews bad movies.” Most of the films on this list may be bad but they’re still good so give me a break. Believe it or not, the first time I saw The Chopping Mall was on Cinemax back when we had those tiny boxes with like three buttons on it. One for HBO, one for Showtime, and one for Cinemax. I remember thinking that it was the dumbest piece of shit I had ever seen, with some cool death scenes. Years later I would purchase the VHS when Hollywood Video decided to make more room for DVDs. *boo* *hiss* Lets just say, The Chopping Mall grew on me.

The plot is pretty basic. Four young hotties decide to party over night at the local mall where the dudes work. To their surprise, the security system is fully equip with three robots. After the computer system is struck by lightening (LOL) the robots turn evil and all hell breaks loose. The robots idea is a little silly but I’ll take robots patrolling a mall over Kevin James and Seth Rogan any day. Robots with friction’ laser beams attached to their heads. At the end of the film you realize it’s just another silly B-Movie but it’s entertaining from start to finish.

The acting works for me. Kelli Maroney, who I remember as that annoying cheerleader from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, stars as the heroine. Barbara Fucking Crampton is also in the movie along with Mary Woronov and Dick Miller. They had so many cheesy one-liners. Never tell a girl you want to make it with that she smells like pepperoni.

Honestly, who names their kid Ferdy?


There are two things in this world I cannot stand. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures….. and the bloody Dutch. In all seriousness, I cannot think of many horror films that have come from the Dutch. The Human Centipede only comes to mind along with The Lift. The Lift is a horror film about a killer elevator. Lets face it, 93874689374986749368 people are terrified of elevators. I still feel a little uneasy every time I step into one of those boxes. Some may consider this a bad movie. Call me crazy but I quite enjoyed The Lift. It has a chilling atmosphere with a killer soundtrack and brutal deaths. What’s not to love? Not to mention how fucking rare it is and all the amazing cover art. There’s even a scene where a body falls out of the elevator’s hatch that made me jump and that’s hard to do.

I do have one qualm with the flick. Do you really expect me to believe that a blind man, with a cane, couldn’t tell that the elevator shaft was wide open? I know, it’s only a silly horror movie but come on! That and it’s a tad boring a times.

I apologize for opening with a quote from Austin Powers. Michael Caine is the man. Smilers wear a crown. Losers wear a frown. Okay, that was the last one!


This oddball revenge of the nerd video nasty stars a very young and borderline attractive Clint Howard before he became The Ice Cream Man and bit player in his brother Ron Howard’s movies. Howard plays Stanley who is fed up after being tortured by his douche bag classmates at a military school. Stanley discovers an old room filled with all this Satanic crap and a spell book that he eventually translates on one of the school’s high-tech computers. Before you know it, puppies are killed, pigs are eating people, and students are decapitated. It’s beautiful.


Now here’s a rare find that a lot of hardcore horror fans have likely heard about but have a hard time getting their hands on. Don’t worry. You’re not really missing much of anything. Sometimes I think the sole purpose of owning this VHS is just so you could say you have it. The Refrigerator is only 15-minutes long. However, there’s a long short by the same crew immediately after titled, “The Hook of Woodland Heights,” followed by a behind-the-scenes where we mostly get to see the filmmakers celebrating the completion. It’s a little strange but not many tapes have something like this. Any who, The Refrigerator is a Donna Michelle production, made by college students that put forth a whopping $25 for budget costs. It was shot on video years before its 1990 VHS release.

The story involves an evil refrigerator that holds a grudge against a guy that treated it’s ice machine quite poorly with a hammer. The Refrigerator is having a hard time putting this incident behind so it decides to viciously murder two guys and their women. One is bashed up against the wall. Hands are chopped off, with horrible effects, the door handle stabs another, and it even eats a cat. Sounds promising? Whatever. I accidentally came across a copy of this when I was actually trying to find a copy of the other ‘The Refrigerator’ that was made in 1991. My advice, skip this and hop towards the 1991 full-length feature film where a couple is terrorized by an evil refrigerator that sends people to hell.


Another mind-numbingly stupid horror movie starring Matthew and Joey Lawrence. WOAH! Some unknown evil force has taken over the power lines and travels from house to house while turning the occupants appliances against them. There are hardly any deaths. The evil electricity is never explained. The movie is easily forgettable. Moving on…..


Technically, Microwave Massacre isn’t about a killer machine so you may be wondering why it’s on the list. The answer is, why not? Instead of a killer microwave, we have an old pervert who goes on a killing spree after he gets tired of his wife’s gourmet cooking skills and learns that he likes the taste of human flesh. Many may call Microwave Massacre the worst horror film of all time. It’s debatable until you see Tales From the Quadead Zone or Death Nurse.

The film is off to a promising start with an opening shot of really big tits above the bright red title. Not a bad way to go. Some how, this broad gets her tits stuck in a fence. I wonder how many times a year these unfortunate accidents happen. Don’t worry. Her tits were fine! Then we get to meet creepy old Donald, played by Jackie Vernon who does the voice over for the Frosty the Snow Man I grew up watching. It’s a little strange hearing his voice say, “I am so hungry, I could eat a whore!” Perhaps not as strange as a Jewish girl having to hide Frosty the Snow Man from her family. So Donald kills people and eats them. That’s pretty much the gist any way.

There’s a lot of humor here with lines like, “My hemorrhoids. That’s why I had to take this job. Standing up. Didn’t I ever tell you about my hemorrhoids? They get really bad when it’s humid, you know?” So guys talk about their hemorrhoids and it’s uncomfortable when it’s humid. Good to know.