There’s something very wrong with ‘director’ Chester Norvell Turner. Hard core horror fans are likely the only disturbed individuals who have heard of his two flicks, Black Devil Doll From Hell and Tales From the Quadead Zone. Chester was either completely insane or under the influence of bath salts. My brain is crippled after attempting to digest his mentality. How does one come up with stories like these and says, “Holy shit, I made a masterpiece. People will love this!” Then there’s the ever so perplexing fact that someone actually released these two pieces of shit. Anyone can make their own shitty movie but the 80s holds some obscure films such as these that every VHS collector wants to get their grubby little hands on. One collector even paid over $600 for Tales of the Quadead Zone. I hope it was worth it.
Where to begin? I guess I should start with his first film, Black Devil Doll From Hell. It’s about this Jesus loving, church going, middle-aged black woman named Helen (Shirley L. Jones) with saggy bra buddies that buys a creepy black doll the size of a toddler. The woman selling the doll is trying to tell the back story on this fucking thing only we cannot hear what she’s saying over that loud, ever-so-annoying music. Seriously, what the hell is the deal with that?
So she takes the doll with dreadlocks back to her pad and takes a shower while the doll watches and actually gets turned on by her saggy tits. *shudders* A few boring scenes later, the doll attacks Helen with choppy editing and pausation. It’s really hard to see what the hell is going on. The scariest part about this film is the fact that it’s so obvious there is a small child playing the puppet when it’s walking around. Why would you subject a child to this? Helen wakes naked and tied up in her bed with the doll yelling, “Hey bitch. Wake up bitch.” This is one rude fucking doll. He calls her bitch 93874948378597395348749876893476 times then proceeds to rape her. I would laugh when the doll talks in that voice that sounds like something out of my kid’s cartoons but it’s so ridiculously horrible, I wont even give it that. The doll splinters Helen up for several minutes and she likes it. He even releases some sort of gas from his mouth but I have no idea what it does, other than smelling like a dragon’s butt.
After the session, Helen wakes to no doll. We learn that every time someone buys this doll, it finds its way back to the store. Helen is going through withdrawals and has turned into a completely different person. She’s running around town fucking everyone and their brother. However, they cannot satisfy her the way Black Devil Doll From Hell can. In the end, she purchases the doll a second time and he’s none too happy about it. This results in her death before his eyes go all glowy. This is as bad as it gets folks. It’s right up there with Death Nurse and Fat Ethel 2.
Chester’s second ‘film’ Tales From the Quadead Zone was just as bad. First of all, it’s called Tales From the Quadead Zone and there are only three stories. I’m guessing he was inspired by Tales From the Crypt and headed in that direction, only to fail miserably because he doesn’t know a thing about making movies. Only two stories are actually told from this book.
The opening credits is hard enough to get through with that horrible rap song with voices that sound like something out of The Muppets. All of this playing over a keyboard tune that plays several times throughout the movie. Shitty drawings by Shirley L. Jones were present in the background but because the quality is so low, I couldn’t make out her drawings.
Jones is back as the lead only this time she has learned how to use a brush. She seems to be talking to her ghost son. When the ghost boy talks to his mother, a gust of wind blows through her hair and he whispers to her. This is extremely creepy because it looks like she is having an orgasm. I cannot help but question her mothering skills because these stories are obviously not appropriate for young children but he is dead so I guess that makes it okay?
The first story is called “Food for ?” A poor white family is sitting at the dinner table. During the father’s prayer, he notes that there are eight of them and only four sandwiches. After ringing his dinner bell, they all have to fight for the sandwiches because cutting them in half would be ridiculous. DIRKIDIRKIDIR. The next day, the family is at it again with the same exact clothing. These characters never changed clothes. This time around, they have five sandwiches and eight at the table. The large son, shirtless wearing overalls, has had enough of missing his meals so he decides to solve the math problem by taking a shot gun to three of the kids. No one is disturbed by this. The dad is like, “Okay, lets eat.” Chester didn’t even bother telling the rest of the story. Instead, he has a written epilogue over the remaining members, telling us what happens in the end. Overalls gets sent to the gas chamber after shooting his remaining sisters and his parentsâ€¦. I don’t even know what this means, “Living high on the hog in witness protection program.”
The next piece of shit story is called “Brothers” about two brothers. One dead and one living. Fred is better at life than Ted but now Fred is dead and to show his respects, Ted steals his nasty corpse with handlebars and dresses him up as a clown while he yells at him for several minutes too long. Seriously, what the fuck is this dudes problem? This scene was hard for me to get through. Then he proceeds to laugh manically for several more minutes. We get it, you think it’s funny. Get with it already! Finally, Ted digs a hole in the basement while Fred wakes and is pissed as hell. Fred attacks Ted and we cannot hear a fucking thing he is saying thanks to the strange sounds they coated all over his voice. A pitchfork to the stomach later, Ted is dead. Who is laughing now, bitch?
Tales From the Quadead Zone wraps with Shirley Jones taking a beating from her husband. After killing her husband, she locks herself in the bathroom and slits her throat with a razor as the police are outside.
Chester wanted to show us his special effects ‘skills’ like a coffee cup on a string and digital yellow ghosts. I am impressed. The acting was out of this world. I’m guessing that Shirley invited all of her brothers to be in the film since every cast member has the last name ‘Jones.’ This is true quality stuff folks. In other words, you couldn’t pay me enough to watch these again. However, I’d be willing to give it a second thought after gallons of Jameson Irish Whiskey.