VHS Review: The Witchery

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The Hoff. Linda Blair. Italian horror. Dead witches taking over a hotel, eating babies, and torturing innocent sinners. What more do you want? Sounds promising? Not really. Witchery is hardly a good film. In fact, it completely blows a hard cock. However, it’s mildly entertaining thanks to crucifixion, impalement, and mouths sewn shut before the victim is hung upside down in a chimney and burnt to death. Then there’s the overall creepiness. The atmosphere is occasionally disturbing and the make-up effects are beyond shadow of a doubt the most high-caliber essential feature in the entire film. It features a lot of nudity and getting shafted by the devil, yes I mean like Rosemary’s Baby style. You wouldn’t think this dude below is the devil but the ending credits titled him ‘Satan.’

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IMDB’s description is incorrect. A pregnant Linda Blair and her family are interested in investing in an abandoned resort that happens to be haunted by an evil witch and her lackeys. The family is accompanied by David Hasselhoff and his virgin girlfriend Leslie, poorly acted by Leslie Cumming. The Hoff and Cumming are working on a book about witches. Hoff is a photographer that photographs strange occurrences like some weird ass light in the shape of the star of David randomly shining for seconds. The group is stranded on the island after a storm prevents them from leaving and they have no choice but to settle into the resort.

This movie is incredibly dumb when it’s not too busy being dull. It opens with a pregnant woman running from a group of witch killers wielding gardening tools. I am having a hard time believing this Leslie chick is a virgin at her age. Hoff still holds hope that he can get her to put out and reminds her that it isn’t natural for a woman her age to be a virgin. Way to go Hoff.

There’s a scene where Linda Blair gets sucked into a gross bath tub followed by a strange red vortex where she begins screaming like a maniac. Imagine how silly shooting that scene might have been. She is then dry and transferred to a basement of some sorts where fires are burning and crazy bums are fighting over a dead baby. After spotting Blair, they begin beating the baby up against the wall and chewing its legs off.

The mouth sewing and chimney death scene was all in good fun but it doesn’t make any sense how this woman’s body is suddenly transported there and the group decides, “Lets build a fire!” No one can hear her screams and no one can smell her burning body.

The acting was straight up ridiculous and kooky at times but its silliness moved me. Hoff’s girlfriend is a terrible actress. There’s something weird going on with her voice and her mouth movement. There’s no emotion from her. Then there’s the worst child actor I have ever seen! There’s a character they call the Lady in Black. My, that’s original. Before killing her victims, she accuses them of sinning. There are three gate ways to hell. Greed, lust, and I’m still not quite sure what the third is and for the love of God, someone teach this bitch how to properly apply her make-up!

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Should you waste time on Witchery? A part of me is glad I have seen it but I can guarantee you that I will probably never catch me watching it again…. Unless you offered me some good drugs to numb the pain. It’s just a cheap attempt to attract Exorcist fans and a pay check for Linda Blair. 1/10.

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