VHS Thursday: Hooker Special

frankenhooker

Are you looking for a good time? You’ve made the right decision by selecting Frankenhooker. If it were up to me, more gay men would direct comedy-horror films. We need more Frank Henenlotters in the world. The man is a genius.

No this is not a copy of my exact cover. Mine is the basic. This is obviously foreign. I just thought it looked cooler. Suck it.

Mad young scientist Jeffrey accidentally kills his girlfriend Elizabeth with one of his many magnificent toys. A lawnmower operated by remote control to be exact. She is ripped to shreds. The only part of Elizabeth’s body that hasn’t been turned into ground meat is her head. This is true love. He cannot live without her. So he concocts a plan to bring her back to life by searching for hookers at the local red light district, making them snort super crack that blows them to bits, and uses selected body parts to rebuild his girlfriend.

This doesn’t work out the way he planned. It doesn’t matter that Elizabeth’s brain is still in tact. By having the body of a hooker, she begins acting like a hooker and gets mad at Jeffrey for not having any money. Filthy whore. In the meantime, the meathead pimp is after Jeffrey. He even chops Jeffrey’s head off in the end. Thank goodness Jeffrey kept all those spare hooker parts in storage. They somehow managed to come together as creatures that look like something right out of the film Society. Only it doesn’t seem as pleasurable for the hookers to come together. Any who, they take out Mr Guido and Frankenhooker brings Jeffrey back to life….. Only with his head and hooker parts. Because putting his body back together wouldn’t make any sense.

Why is her hair purple? The more I find myself questioning things like this, the less things begins to make sense. I will let it slide since the lead actress is so good at making ridiculous faces like the one below.

frankenhooker2

Does that plot sound ridiculous to you? Well to quote LOST, “Stop thinking about how ridiculous it sounds.” It’s sleazy, hilarious, and only vaguely offensive.

thepyx

What happened to Karen Black? She was so beautiful back in the day. Now she’s just scary as shit. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I met her years ago at Texas Frightmare Weekend and she made me nervous. I didn’t even care that she was wearing purple lipstick. That being said, I adore Karen Black more than she will ever know. She was stunningly beautiful in The Pyx with a remarkable body. I wish I wouldn’t have been too nervous to ask her questions when I met her. But it was my first horror convention, I was alone, and didn’t want to embarrass myself.

For those of you who have no idea who Karen Black is, she has only been in a million horror films. Including Ruggero Deodato’s Cut and Run, Invaders From Mars, It’s Alive 3, Mirror Mirror, Children of the Night (My personal favorite,) Trilogy of Terror, and most newcomers may know her as Mother Firefly in House of 1000 Corpses.

The Pyx also stars the legendary Christopher Plummer and centers around a prostitute that is addicted to drugs and eventually jumps off of the balcony of her penthouse apartment. Plummer becomes obsessed with the case and investigates what really happened. Upon his investigation he discovers that there is a cult involved.

The majority of the film is told in flashbacks in the beautiful Montreal Canada.

cannibalhookers

If you heard that this was one of the worst horror films ever made, you heard right. It’s one of the worst, low-rent pieces of shit I have ever had the displeasure of viewing. It’s not even fun low-rent. It’s just all bad low-rent. I expected more from director Donald Farmer who was responsible for Demon Queen, Compelling Evidence, and several shitty horror videos that shall remain nameless.

Bad 80s hair. CHECK. Bad hooker wear. CHECK. Bad acting. CHECK. Bad dialogue. CHECK. Ridiculous faces made before and after death. CHECK. Bad special effects. CHECK. The special effects are laughably bad.

So what is Cannibal Hookers about anyway? It’s about a sorority that has fucked up initiations like having girls pretend to be hookers. Big mistake ladies. Big mistake. Soon they turn into zombies or cannibals of some sorts and terrorize their community.

This has got to be the biggest disappointment I have ever come across. I had high hopes that people would be wrong about what sounds like would be a fun flick. I hate it when I am wrong.

You may say that this was the worst review you have ever read. Well fine then. You watch the movie and see what I have to work with.

BAD. BAD. BAD. The worst. Scum. Crap. Poop.

whokilledmary

deathofahooker

Somebody just murdered your friendly neighborhood hooker. Start asking questions, and before you know it, you’re in trouble. That’s what one of the promos read. It made me giggle. Excellent. I wonder who came up with that quote and thought it was okay. Original even.

Starring Red Buttons from The Poseidon Adventure and Jake from Roseanne who likes to tell knock knock jokes, Sam Waterson from Serial Mom. Sylvia Miles from The Sentinel, The Funhouse, and Mrs. Fisher in She-Devil. Great cast. Shit film.

A retired boxer investigates the murder of a hooker he is acquainted with after the police show little interest in her case. I feel your pain Buttons. The authorities only seem to care when harlots are killed in larger numbers by serial killers. No one cares about one dead whore.

Though it’s not all that great of a film, there are some interesting characters. Mickey (Buttons) tries to crack the case with an eccentric camera man (Waterson) and another hooker played by Alice Playten.

It gives me no pleasure to cut this review short. You can blame my kidney infection for that.