Legion

legion

Legion is a warm-hearted tale about a group of people taking cover at a diner in the middle of nowhere while God is pissed at mankind and sends his angels down to Earth to destroy them. One angel goes against God’s wishes and takes it upon himself to save the last hope for mankind, an unborn baby. Let me just stop you right there. If God is oh so powerful, why does he have to send his angels down to Earth to do his dirty work? If that baby is the last hope for mankind, why doesn’t he just kill the baby with his special powers? The angels can die from bullet wounds but their wings can shield them? That totally makes sense.  Where is Jesus while the world is ending? At least in The Terminator, they went straight for the baby maker and stopped at nothing to make sure she was dead.

One of my favorite types of horror/action films are those that bring several strangers together in a setting to battle against an unholy evil. Much like The Mist and Maximum Overdrive, Legion has those same elements. None of these characters connect with one another but there’s still plenty of character development. For instance, the Yuppy married couple and their ungrateful slut of a daughter, who is actually wearing a black top much like one that’s hanging in my closet. The black man who only wanted to spend quality time with his son. The typical diner employees and the complete loser who wants what he can’t have.

The film starts off a little slow but things begin to pick up when a scary old lady, who I remember as the slot machine lurker that gets into a tiff with Phoebe from the episode of Friends in Vegas,  strolls into the diner with her walker and begins talking shit to everyone minding their own business. “I said, your fucking baby is going to burn.” Woah, that came out of nowhere and sent chills down my spine. Then her eyes turn black, she grows these stupid looking shark teeth, and proceeds to spider walk up the ceiling before taking a bite out of one of the customers. My biggest complaint with the film would have to be the poor effects. I do not care for the look of these monsters and the spider walking could have been more effective. Even the ice cream man with the long mouth, the CGI just wasn’t impressive to me. However, they’re still effective. As much as I hated the CGI effects, it still could have been much worse.

legionlady
There seem to be many altercations over the biblical theology. For one, atheists love to point out how much of a dick God really is which proves their point further that he couldn’t exist, at least not in the way that he has been portrayed. They have a point, when you really think about it…. God is kind of a dick. Killing people who do not want to engage in intercourse with their siblings. Killing first born sons. Making his own strict rules and telling us that if we do not follow them, we will burn in hell. Making women bleed from their vagina for several days ONCE A MONTH while in agonizing pain. Then there’s the idea of God wiping out mankind, even though he told Noah that he would never wipe away mankind again. I think that most religious folks don’t even bother reading the first testament. It’s like, “No Jesus said to discontinue that portion of the bible and go by this New Testament instead.”

One has to wonder, did an at theist make this film to have a laugh at Christians? Either that or they are completely uneducated when it comes to the bible.

Critics have made jokes about Dennis Quaid needing money so badly, he will appear in several terrible horror films for a fast paycheck. With all due respect, this is Dennis Fucking Quaid we are talking about here. Who cares if this is all the work he can get? It puts a smile on my face when I see him in a horror film. Pandorum as well. So shut the fuck up. Please. It’s not like he’s a bad actor. I have no idea who the rest of the cast are. The acting is not the issue here. All of their performances were fine. I did recognize the two black actors that die, go figure, Charles S. Dutton and Tyrese Gibson who I also like.

One factor in films featuring birth that always flattens my soda pop is when these women just get right up and start walking around like it aint no thang.It’s a horror film so it shouldn’t be taken seriously but come on….

Overall, I’d have to give this film a 6.5 out of 10 for its effort. It’s impulsive, slightly original, convivial, and I actually found myself at the edge of my seat. Was it really bad that guys? I say, hell no. It’s just too bad about that terrible ending….