VHS Thursday Christmas Special

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Straight from Britain, this Christmas slasher is much like every American slasher only it’s much worse. A masked maniac is knocking off every Santa Claus he comes across while Scotland Yard detectives try to crack the case. Two random individuals are also hot on the case.  Two more random individuals are on the case after a girl’s Santa daddy gets a sword through the back of the head in front of everyone at a Christmas costume party? Pretty much everyone is a suspect.

The film wasn’t released until two years after it was finished and it was heavily cut by British censors. It’s low rent with horrible acting and sleazy dialogue. My biggest complaint is that all of these Santas are being hacked to pieces. You would think people would just stop dressing up as Santa and roaming the streets late at night but NOOOOOOOOO.

So all these Santas are stabbed to death in giallo fashion, impaled with a spear, shot, burnt, electrocuted, and one Santa even gets a machete to the face. The death scenes were pretty colorful and entertaining. Then Caroline Munro pops out of nowhere with her horrible musical act. You read that right. WHAT THE FUCK? My mouth dropped to the floor.

Edmund Purdom (Pieces and Absurd) directs and stars in this forgettable Christmas slasher. He quit in the middle of shooting which made the film so sloppy. The replacement director and rewrites did the film no justice and it was horribly shot AND don’t even get me started on the poor editing of all the two year work slopped together and tied with a big red bow.

This VHS was on my list of ‘must have for my own collection’ simply because of the fun cover art. We all know how I am a sucker for cover art. A lot of times, the best VHS cover art is one of the worst films ever made.

Fans of boobs and blood will not be disappointed but if you’re not a big horror nerd like the rest of us, this may not be your cup of tea.

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It’s funny, I saw Silent Night, Deadly Night when I was a young girl and I thought to myself, “This is the worst movie I have ever seen.” Watching it as an adult has been fun and I retract my statement. I definitely HAVE seen worse and this happens to be a cult classic. There are many, many Christmas themed horror films but I guarantee you that when you mention ‘Christmas Horror’ to a die hard genre fan, the first film that comes to mind is Silent Night, Deadly Night. Maybe it’s because of Linnea Quigley’s bare breasts and her most excellent death scene. It just is…

The plot is basic. A boy goes through traumatic hell then ends up living in a convent. Upon his release, he gets a job and decides he should dress up like Santa and kill everyone who is being ‘naughty.’ That means, everyone who is having sex. That’s the plot in a nut shell.

I guess the reason why I thought it was silly in my youth is because of the word “naughty” and  the meaning behind it. “You’re having sex? You’re naughty and should die because nuns abused me when I was a boy!” The film even ends with little bro saying, “Naughty.” Silly, silly nonsense. OH! And the murderous lad lost his parents to Santa and his grandfather traumatized the shit out of him when his parents weren’t looking. That’s a lot of torment and bad memories. No wonder the lad if so effed up.

The best death scene in my opinion would be the box cutter scene. I use box cutters all the time and I cannot imagine just how painful it would be to get slashed by one of those. Then there’s the scene where a man is strangled by Christmas lights. What a beautiful death scene.

There are some fun goofs here and there. For instance, why the fuck are there real bows and arrows in a children’s toy store? Also, Linnea Quigley’s boy friend is deaf. But I don’t care as long as I get to stare at her bewbs.

Unfortunately, I have not seen the sequels. I always noticed them on the shelf at my local video store but I guess because I wasn’t too captivated by SNDN from the start, I was scared to give it any attention. So there you go, I guess you know what I will be watching next week!

To my surprise, this film was pulled from theaters and became quite controversial. I don’t understand why…… This is America. 3/4 of Americans are extremely dumb and suffer from butthurtitis. Do not fuck with their Christmas spirit. Having their innocent children sitting on a strange man’s lap while they explain in detail of what they want for Christmas. A pony. A rocket. A dog. Then this fat strange man sneaks into your home late at night. How promising. Sounds just as promising as the lie behind Christmas, that it’s Jesus’ birthday. Alright, the Jew in me is wanting to rant. SORRY! Any who, I just do not see any reason why this was such a big deal.

PUNISH!

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Black Christmas happens to be one of my all time favorite slasher films. It really was the first slasher that introduced the whole, “The killers in the house” idea. It opened the doorway for slashers like ‘When a Stranger Calls’ and those alike. It’s hard to scare me but Black Christmas managed to get this girl. This film still sends chills up and down my spine.

The story surrounds a sorority house on Christmas break with a mad man running around knocking off broads left and right. Sounds typical, right? Hold your horses amigo. It’s not what you think. This feature has no nudity and a very small amount of blood. You don’t even see the killer. We are given several POV shots of the killer. It’s one of the most artistic horror films that came out of the 70s. There’s a reason why it’s still scary and a reason why it doesn’t get the respect it deserves, I guess because it doesn’t follow the simple formula.

What makes Black Christmas so scary are the phone calls made to the girls. OH LAWD! Enter goose bumps. Those obscene phone calls are so horrific, so personal, and so terrifying…. I don’t have words. “Just like getting a wart removed.”  At least there is some comic relief with Barb, “He has expanded his act.” Apparently, Billy has been making obscene phone calls for a while and now it’s getting down right crude. He’s making all kinds of noises. Then he says he wants to lick a pretty cunt.

Probably the most notable scene in the film is the obvious cellophane attack and body that’s siting in front of the window in the attic on a rocking chair during the entire film. Even after all the other bodies are discovered, the detectives never think to check the fucking attic. Also, the killer is really good at making cat noises.

The film features a stellar cast with Margot Kidder’s drunk ass being my favorite. She actually won Best Actress for her role at the Canadian Film Awards. I met Margot back in 2010 and her autographed Lois Lane photo graces the walls up my stair way. She was fresh out of Barb photos. *frown* Then we have the star, Olivia Hussey, who is most known for Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. Oh she was also in Stephen King’s IT with a small roll. She’s such a remarkable actress, you can sense her dread throughout the entire film. Her expressions are incredible. If your heart wasn’t already beating, her emotions help to set this in motion.

I have reviewed this film a couple of times and I will probably dissect it again for the holidays so I will keep this short.

Last thoughts before my departure, who the fuck is Agnes? Also, if I were a character in Black Christmas, I’d be an alcoholic Margot Kidder. Just ask my friends.