The Unborn


Four years pass and I decide, maybe I should finally check this mother out. I had high hopes that I could be wrong about Platinum Dunes. Everything they touch turns to shit and they’re completely unable to hand us a decent horror flick. Had a friend of mine not given me all of her DVDs for free, I never would have touched it. There it was, just sitting on my shelf, neglected. The Skeleton Key and The Crazies remake were also neglected for a while. It was The Unborn’s turn for a little attention. I didn’t bother reading about the film before hitting that play button. I wanted to watch it with a clear mind even though in the back of my mind I knew, it was probably a bad decision. Behold! A film containing scary dogs with their heads on upside down, demonic children, lots and lots of mirrors, that dude from Sex and the City who fucks Samantha Jones, exploding toilets, an abundance of insects, rotating body parts, Nazi experiments, freaky nightmares, Jewish mysticism, possession, and a killer camel toe all in one.

A very beautiful Odette Yustman is being stalked by her dead twin and it’s up to Rabbi Gary Oldman to save the day by performing the very first on-screen Jewish exorcism. This is not a joke. That’s the plot. However, there are so many plot holes in this film, it’s ridiculous. First of all, the idea of a dead fetus coming back to posses its sister is just silly. Second, why does it take the form of her dead great Uncle? This didn’t make any sense to me. Maybe I missed something. God I hope so. I wont be watching again to clear this up. I just cannot handle another go around. I might hang myself just like Carla Gugino, who I just LOVED in Son-in-law!

David S Goyer had stunning visuals and the cinematography was pretty impressive along with some excellent aerial shots. However, I don’t think he should write any more screen plays. The dialogue was so poor, I felt terrible for the actors. It’s so random that Gary Oldman is here playing a Rabbi, cashing that pay check. Meagan Good probably had the worst lines in the film. She’s not a bad actress. There was no bad acting in the film. They just never stood a chance with that dialogue. What was Goyer’s problem? I liked his work on the Batman franchise. Why go for so many cliches?

There’s no gore. Only CGI creatures that were used as an attempt to scare but fell short. There were so many recycled Exorcist moments and other past horror films as well. They even recycled the old mirror scare. The score did absolutely nothing for me. It was pretty forgettable. What more do you expect from Platinum Dunes? It’s my belief that everything Michael Bay is attached to, should be burned.

Random Thoughts:

Hey guess what? You’re Jewish. OMG! That’s hilarious.

The detectives never get suspicious? This is a major flaw in so many horror films. Nevermind that all of her friends are dying around her. It’s probably not her fault.

Where the hell is the dad? He completely disappears from the movie.

The little boy across the street is creepier than the possessed Jewish boy.

Why do so many women have a problem with Yustman in this film? So she runs around in her panties and the cover art uses this because “sex sells.” What’s the big deal? Why are ugly, insecure girls always complaining about things like this?

So nobody ever noticed a ghost in mom’s picture? That’s pretty ridiculous seeing how visible it is.

When performing a Jewish exorcism, it’s important to blow a shofar before you begin.

All the pages in the exorcism book are scattered everywhere yet it’s so easy for her to spot the one page she needs? Durrr hurrrr.

The book used for the exorcism is in Hebrew. Hebrew letters read from right to left. Gary Oldman is reading it the wrong way.

Avoid this movie at all costs!