VHS Review: Death Nurse

Not only is this a review on the VHS but the recent release on DVD as well. The DVD is not any better than the VHS. The quality is still shit but there are some nifty extras that VHS fans may enjoy!

Ethel, an obese nurse and her brother Gordon run their own little medical clinic in their own home where they kill patients and collect on their insurance. That’s about it! Greatest plot ever right? Who am I kidding? This movie is the worst movie I have ever seen!!! It’s not even one of those “So bad it’s good” films. To be honest – As a VHS collector, I have never been a huge fan of those shot on video films such as 555, Dreamaniac, and Blood Cult. I try to like them and I even own 555 – which is hard to get your hands on. They’re all bad. I’m not saying DON’T SEE THESE MOVIES! Just watch them with caution. It’s not like a bad horror movie, it’s much worse. It’s just another exercise in bad taste that I think John Waters would love but it’s nowhere near as good as Pink Flamingos and that’s saying a lot. For only being 55 minutes long, I expected a little more.

It features clips from Nick Millard’s previous film, “Criminally Insane” where the same fat actress butchers people if they try to keep her from eating. She’s a pretty large woman. I mean, it looks like she bathes in bacon fat. There is a scene scene where Ethel is lying on a couch and dreaming about fat (Edith) from Criminally Insane. So is this suppose to be the same character or was it just padding? The chase scene with the cat was absolutely hilarious. The cat wasn’t even in the same shot. There’s a quick clip of a cat munching on something bloody (suppose to be a heart) but the cat is STILL yet they are running around the table shouting, “Here kitty kitty.” Another scene that featured material from Criminally Insane were the rats in the basement that are Ethel’s pets. She even named one of them Harold.

The editing is just horrendous! What’s going on here? They pan away at the wrong moments. There are too many scenes where the characters are just staring at each other. What was Nick Millard thinking? I just cannot imagine how he would go over this film and think, “My God, this is awesome. Lets sell this shit.” It’s a mystery how this pile of dung was even released. I doubt you can find a single human being that actually thinks this is a good movie.

Then we have that ice cream scene. This was so funny to me. You see him digging a grave for two to three minutes then it cuts to him eating ice cream and I don’t know how to correctly explain how this man eats ice cream out of a box…… He scoops several spoons into the bowl while simultaneously taking bites. This scene also lasts for a few minutes.

The death scenes aren’t even passable. Starting with opening scene and lasting throughout the entire film but it was hilarious to see all those knives barely sticking out of the victim’s  stomach. Nick Millard swears that he wasn’t using red paint. The man swears that they made the fake blood and he actually thought it looked good. Millard graces us with his presence as Mr. John Davis, a patient with tuberculosis that has the most comical fake cough I have ever heard. The man never stops coughing.

The doctor has a fuck buddy that he gives liquor in exchange for sex. Well, I guess it was suppose to be sex? Looked like hugging to me. Was MIllard just trying to give his wife a part in the film or was this just more padding for the film? Had I not seen those gigantic tits hanging I would have thought Nick Millard’s wife was a dude. You be the judge, picture down below. Millard doesn’t want to spend any money on more professional and talented actors so he sticks his family members and friends in his movies. Priscilla Alden is one creepy, fat lady. A terrible actress sure but I think given the proper training and a better horror film – she would have fans. Much like Sheila Keith – The woman wasn’t the best actress but she terrified me in Paul Walkers films.

There’s a Death Nurse 2 but I haven’t seen it. Not sure if I want to or not. I’m guessing it’s probably worse.

According to the details on Amazon, the DVD is a limited edition release of only 1, 000 copies. I am happy to be one of the thousand that own a copy – Even though this is possibly one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. The extras feature a commentary with the director Nick Millard and producer Irmi Millard. I am dying to watch the commentary later so that I can hear all about why Millard would make this movie and have it released. I enjoyed the exclusive movie review by fellow nerd Paul Zamarelli at VHSCollector.com He pointed something out that I would like to share here and that’s the quote on the back on the film, “Campy schlock… bloody horror at its best!”  -Hollywood at Home Who the hell is “Hollywood at Home?” I seriously want to know the answer to that. According to Zamarelli, he tried to do a little research on this company and he couldn’t find anything on it. Any who, there’s also a lovely featurette remembering Prscilla Alden, a Q&A, and more.