Movie Review-Kids Go To The Woods… Kids Get Dead

Coming to dvd June 19th

Plot-The title says it all, this indie take on the classic slasher film all revolves around Casey’s birthday. Her and her friends go into a cabin in the woods to celebrate, despite the old crazy guy no one pays attention to warning her and her friends not to go. Presented to us by Candy Adams as part of the show Midnight Movie Madness, where not only do we get this film almost vhs style but we get commercials. Real commercials..

Review-This film tries really hard to be retro and campy, at times it succeeds and at others it failed. Let’s start with the premise of this film, it is supposed to feel like some midnight movie you watch on TV. You get the female host, who is supposed to be the selling point of this film. She comes off as annoying and like the lush who is at the end of the bar and you know that in 3 drinks more you can score. Fuck, how many cleavage jokes do we really need? Seriously,if it is not funny the first time around, how can I laugh at that same joke around time 20? I get it, you are trying to sell her as some sex symbol, but why not let her have more personality, and not seem like some bland afterthought and overdone cliché? This is why women are so vocal in horror right now, because of bullshit stereotypes like her. It feels like the director did this casting as more of a way to make himself laugh or get some girl he met a chance to think he is worth laying, then us to be entertained. Then, during key scenes it cuts away to the female host, and it just kills the momentum of the film. We get these commercials that are not funny or even trying, they are real commercials. If I wanted to see a movie with real commercials, why pop in a dvd? The film tried to incorporate humor, why not humor with the sideshow with Candy and the commercials? At least with the Blood Girls, Midnight Mausoleum and every other indie company that has a female or females hosting a dvd, they try to respect the viewer, have fun and not dumb down the ladies. Why do women in horror films like this, play it off like they are worthy of being laid, but are so dumbed down that you are not sure about their personality or their acting? How shocking, we get to see Candy suck on a lollipop in almost an oral fashion to keep us watching her annoying us with that act that just seems such a waste. This is the kind of bullshit women think and feel the need to feel they need to fit that stereotype. And the director seems to think that if he makes the women in this film just as fucking stereotypical as well, it will help with the understanding of Candy and her plight in the land of beauty over talent. Oh we get the lesbians who have to talk in every scene about giving each other head, and being more vocal about lesbianism that you think they are trying to convince themselves they are lesbians. If I was 15 years old, that would seem like a awesome deal, but given that I am older and this film is trying to cater to me, it just seems like utter ” trying too hard” nonsense. And the Casey virgin prude, who is labeled a tease and her boyfriend beats her ass, and she feels the need to still be in love with him, just furthers my anger towrds how women are treated in this film. And the party girl that cannot tell the difference between sperm and blood esp. when it is shot in her face. And the guys are no different, this is American Pie meets Porky’s without the cutting edge humor or fun. ” Oh my dick is going to have some work ahead of it” ha ha oh ha ha. ” Hey man, you think your penis is going to see any action” oh ha ha ha. I have been to many men stalls in my life, never have I felt the need to look down and have a conversation about the guy besides me penis. And if I ever saw this happening, I would probably piss my pants trying to get the fuck out of that bathroom. How many dick jokes that are unfunny do we need in one film? I was rooting for the killer the whole time, just kill all these annoying characters and why stop there go behind the scenes and get Candy and the director. Then me for watching it.

The film itself seems like Blood Night trying to mix with Thankskilling. Where a film like Thankskilling made it work was that it was funny, it was not afraid to appeal to the low road for its humor. This film just seemed that the humor was so uninspired and done to death jokes that had to be on the American Pie floor all balled up. And where a film like Mary Hatchet worked was that it took its humor and gave a very bloody payoff for you being invested in this film, this film on the other hand just seems like a horny version of a bad Scooby Doo episode.

The killer itself and some of the kills were fun, you had My Bloody Valentine with a breathing tube, and the killer has no background, no history and no name? Really the killer had no build up, he just killed and could not be stopped. Of course all the stereotypes are on display, the lesbians, the bullies, the nerd, the virgin, the party girl , the horny jocks, the crazy local who knows the woods are not safe, and the cops who warn that crazy local not to bother the kids and are oblivious to what is going on. Now, the saving grace of this dvd. The blooper reel, it runs around 9 minutes long and is really funny. Though, all the jokes seem really homophobic, but they were really funny nonetheless. Of course, this film has to have that campy element, the name of the book main character Scott is reading shock is called Gets go to the Woods…Kids get dead. A little comment to Carly Goodspeed, I get it you have a hot look and a slamming body, without a personality and acting chops, you are just like the million other girls out there who never get in front of a camera and have the same traits.

This film had some positives, again being some of the kills. But, all in all this was one film I wish instead of trying to be something it was not, tried to be something it could have been. This just seems like a also ran in the endless stream of films that want to sell us that it is cutting edge. This felt like a school play.

4 out of 10