Movie Review-Porkchop

Plot-A group of campers and a talking robot are being stalked by a killer in a pig mask. Directed by cult director in the making Eamon Hardiman.

Review-This is a low budget tongue and cheek homage to the 80’s. I am fine with that. But, from the stereotypical characters, who seemed as bored by this film as I did, and the lack of blood and killing…there is not really much to recommend. Now, before anyone tells me I am being too hard on this film so far. This is a slasher film that is supposedly building into a franchise and if the first one is this bad, what makes me want to invest anything into part 2, 3 or 15 ? I hate films that will tell a joke, they know the joke is not funny, and keep on harping on that unfunny joke. That is what I felt for the talking robot Elron. Ok, I get it you are fronting Richie in front of people, but seriously the jokes were not funny and why keep going? Oh he is supposedly a pedophile and masturbates…oh wow, will the movie get any better from these revelations? just got awkward. The characters were so beyond stereotype, that I was begging for something that really went off the page of that script and kept my attention. Again, I understand this is a low to no budget film..and I respect all the work put into it. The beginning alone, with those two people supposedly skinny dipping, of course, you know she will make a cock joke..and the kill was so one second. Why not give us some suspense or build up to the scene? The film went on and on for around 40 to 50 minutes till the next kill but the first kill lasted what 2 seconds and was so bad looking.. and it built on the fact that Porkchop was coming, they gave us a longer than needed camp fire story that really did nothing more than bore them more with the pacing of the film and lack of scares or kills. Fuck, in all this wasted time of bad jokes, worst dialogue, why not give me something to whet my appetite or keep me involved with this film, like a killing or female nudity at least, that was a staple in 80’s horror films. You know this is why we watch films like this, we watch it for the cheese and the killings. Well, this film delivered heavy on the cheese..way more than needed. But, no sizzle or steak. Or I guess the pun should be bacon and sizzle.

I heard someone compare this to Motel Hell. I wish I had a room there after watching this. This film was so bad and boring. I wonder if the films that came out in the 80’s and 70’s, if they knew that they would later inspire films like this, would they even have been released? I know there is some talent there, but this film is not proof…Hopefully Porkchops will take this review to heart and deliver something that people expect from films like that.

1.5 out of 10