Top 10 list-10 Pretty Crappy Movies That Could-a, Should-a, Would-a Been Awesome

( thank you to Chris Power, director of Long Pigs for submitting this list have fun readers)


We’ve all been there: a packed movie
theater. The lights finally come down, and
the audience goes nuts in
anticipation. You’ve been waiting for this movie since it was announced. All the
players involved are solid and everything you’ve heard indicates this is gonna
be a guaranteed kick-ass good flick… then the movie starts… and something is very wrong. We’re
not talking about some turd like “Battlefield Earth” or any Roland Emmerich
movie: stuff you expect to suck. We’re talking about
missed opportunities; usually the result of too many
cooks in the kitchen or studio interference – but not always. Sometimes the ball is just flat out




10) Spiderman 3:


I love Sam Raimi. He’s one of the
greatest living filmmakers in my humble opinion. I’ve also loved Spiderman since
I was a baby – collected the entire Todd McFarlane run etc… Anyhow, especially after Spiderman 2
(which was freakin’ brilliant) every Spidergeek was
walking around with a boner for months at the idea of seeing the “Venom” character in part three. VENOM!!!
The black spidey suit!? Wicked!!! Oh, and Thomas Hayden Church as
“Sandman” – that’s cool too! How could this possibly miss? Well despite some
decent scenes, by the end you could feel the movie is somehow trying to figure a
way out of its own overloaded story. It’s like a salad with hot dogs
and chocolate on it: The ingredients just don’t
belong in the same bowl. Thankfully Sam followed it up with the amazing and
underappreciated “Drag Me Too Hell”.




9) Every M.Night Shyamalan movie since
“The Sixth Sense”:


It’s pretty easy to pick on M.Night these
days (maybe it’s because he comes off as
an arrogant douchbag at times) but seriously, can they stop pitching every new
Shymanlan flick as “from the creator of The Sixth Sense”? It was almost 15 years
ago and he’s been getting progressively
worse since.




8) The Spirit


After “Sin City” Frank Miller had made the
transition from comic book icon to Hollywood golden boy, and his decision to do
Will Eisner’s “The Spirit” seemed like a
natural. The trailer looked cool (if awkward) but the final movie was an almost
unwatchable disaster on all counts. Ultimately, the only thing Frank
Miller did for his budding film career was to confirm that the real credit for
“Sin City” working so well as a movie
probably goes to Robert Rodriguez.




7) The Godfather Part III


It’s hard to follow up two of the
best films ever made, never mind the business of gathering up the same cast 20
years later and trying to recapture the same chemistry. Apparently the original
story Coppola had in mind was heavily focused on Bobby Duvall’s character Tom
Hagen, but something broke down in the negotiations and the studio would not
meet Mr.Duvall’s demands $$$. So now what? Well, the studio says we gotta shoot a movie and rush it
through editing in order to make the Christmas release date, so
ummm… I know! Let’s put my daughter Sofia in there to kill some






6) Superman Returns


Last comic book, I promise! If
you’re going to make a movie about an icon you gotta leave the codpiece at home
(see “Batman Forever”). More than that – you have to love the character as much as the fans
or they’ll smell the cynicism a mile away. It wasn’t really Brandon’s fault (he did a pretty good
Christopher Reeve impression) but the film that was set to relaunch the
franchise never got off the ground. It won’t stop the studios from trying though
(see The Hulks, Spidermans, Batmans etc…).




5) Tron: Legacy


I did my review on this one – this
is what happens when you give creative control to people looking to merchandise
the hell out of something. The movie is a corporate afterthought, and primarily
functions as an advertisement for the video games and cartoons
to follow…




4) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull


Quick story. Movie night with the
lovely wife. She insisted we see “Indy” over “Ironman” which she thought we wouldn’t like as much. I’ve never let her live that
night down…


btw the South Park episode about this flick (The
China Problem) is essential viewing, especially for anyone who paid full freight
to see this garbage in theaters.




3) Matrix


Here’s the thing about the drug
“ecstasy”: it’s hard to direct movies when you’re on them 24/7. After “The
Matrix” and the mind blowing “Animatrix” these looked like they’d be hard to
screw up, but ten seconds into that slo-mo “rave” scene and you knew something
was askew. I watched these again recently thinking that time may have been kind
– it hasn’t. The CGI is aging badly,
and the story holes are getting




2) The Star Wars prequels


Hard to say anything that hasn’t. BTW if you haven’t seen the freakin’ hilarious and
brilliant Mr.Plinkett Star Wars reviews then you’re missing out. These three films claim the gold,
silver and bronze for “Biggest case of moviegeek blueballs in history.”




1) King Kong


It’s toughest when a filmmaker you
really respect stumbles at the height of his power. Peter Jackson could have
made anything he wanted – anything.  He was dripping with Oscars and
cash, and he was going back to the film that made him want to make movies as a
child. The cast looked pretty good, and their online production diaries were
impressively gigantic in scale. I loved the wrinkle of a desperate filmmaker
essentially shooting the horribly dated dialogue from the original word for
word. Ultimately, if this movie was at
least a half hour shorter, it might have been great, but after the
Flintstones-like dino rampage shot mostly on green screen this movie makes a
wrong turn and never fully recovers. Mr.Jackson is back home again with ‘The
Hobbit”  – but if for some reason that fails the press will be ready to kill a


More movies come to mind, and I still haven’t
seen “Sucker Punch” but this could go on all day (Transformers, Gangs of New York, Daredevil, the endless horror remakes lately). Anyhow
there’s no such thing as a sure thing – especially in the